The Inner Workings of My Soul – MK’s Poetry

*****
I Wait Only For You

It is the summer I miss you
The time of loss, our time away

It is the fall I remember…
I remember my fall
Sand beaches, tropical isle
The moment you stepped into this life

The first look penetrated my soul
You stole my breath
I could not breathe anymore
Not without you
I forgot who I became
While you were away from me
And I remembered who I was
When I was last in your arms

I fell in love
I fell in love all over again
I remembered the many lifetimes we spent together
The happiness, the joy, the love
The fields of sunflowers on a clear day
Sparkling like the sun against an azure sky
And you holding me so close, so close to your skin
Breathing in the beauty
The essence of our paradise

I remembered our love
Transcending both space and time
Our love was our heaven
The peace we found when we whispered our love
The silence in love where no one speaks
To feel the love within radiating throughout this sanctuary
That love was our peace

When you leave
I follow slowly behind
Until God grants us our time again
I wait in the shadows
And I listen
I listen to Him tell me that ‘you will be here soon
Not to worry, he’ll be home soon
Your sun shall rise again
You will feel no more sorrow, no more darkness’

I wait at the gates of our home
I wait only for you
To return from your battles
Your choices you must make
I wait until you say ‘It’s time for me to go home.’

It is in the winter you return to me
And I greet you with such fervor and passion when you come back home to me
To add more wood to the fire
To keep me warm as the wind chills all around us
You rebuild the flames within
And let our love encircle around us
That even a blind man can see
A deaf man can hear the heavens singing
This is how our love feels

This is our heaven, our love, my love…
I wait only for you.
******************
5/2/08 For Josh

I’m sorry I didn’t love you the way you hoped I would
I just didn’t see things the way you hoped I would
I’m sorry I broke your heart when I walked away from you
I loved you enough to leave so that you could become a better man

I did that for you, not for me

Thank you for not hating me
I wasn’t the one you were meant to spend the rest of your life with
I know it was hard on you when you said I couldn’t walk away
Because I was the girl you were going to marry
It just wasn’t my reality, like it was yours

I know how Grounded you were when I walked away
I sit here now, years later, hearing your song and saying to myself
“That Boy Sure Did Love Me”
My love just wasn’t the same for you

I knew that you were in the back of the club that night
I knew you were watching us
You wanted to see for yourself if I belonged to you
Or if my heart belonged to him

It was always him
But if it was revenge you wanted for not giving my heart to you
Then the universe conspired with you
Because he broke my heart

But you…all of the best memories are still there
You told me how much you really loved me in a song
And I loved you, just not as much as you needed me to
I did belong to you once upon a time

Now that you are getting married to someone else
I am happy to hear that you found love
I hope it lasts your entire lifetime
And that she’ll be good to you, and you to her

I know it still hurts to hear my name all these years later
It hurts even more to hear how well I’m doing without you
It’s like little daggers penetrating your soul
Because it still loves what it cannot hold

*****
Some of the deepest anguish I’ve had to deal with is the loss of my best friend and soul mate. He committed suicide two weeks before my high school graduation. It took me seven years to get the courage to ask a friend, “WHY?” I had been walking like a ghost and living in limbo for years after the loss. Through the years, I’ve had to learn to let go and along the way I had to suffer through an endless poetry of sorrow for something I had lost that could never be regained.

There are countless others who have lost people to suicide or horrific accidents. Losing someone to suicide is one of the hardest deaths to deal with, because you are always asking the question, “WHY?” It’s almost like it is a personal attack on you, even though they don’t see it that way when they decide to take the cheap way out. I believe that is why a lot of the following work hits people the hardest and it’s some of their favorites.

This is in memoriam of Kevin Frey (1977-1994)

HALF EMPTY

By Michelle Kenneth

(A Fan Favorite)

Looking in the mirror

I can only see me

The reflection is never what anyone really sees of me

I only see what I see on the inside, not on the outside

I tell myself that I am beautiful, from that I can plainly see

But there’s another part of me that’s crying inside

It’s a part of me I’m afraid to look straight in the eye

That’s a place that’s so dark and dying inside

Half of me is full

The other half empty

Empty without you

Half Full of me

Half Empty without you

I don’t know how I carry on

Half of my soul resides with you

And you are forever gone

Nowhere are you that I can fully touch you

Hear your heart beating when I’m lying next to you

The butterflies haven’t been flying around in the pit of my stomach

Since the news came that you were gone

Beautiful fairy tale with a tragic ending

Beautiful face that I keep forgetting

Beautiful world of ours all but shattered pieces of the mirror I’m looking into

Just memories that seem so long ago

Like a dream you can’t remember when you wake up in the morning

Something is always missing in my life

It’s always been you

Dragonfly

By Michelle Kenneth

My beautiful love

How you’ve shaped my world

Gave me something when I had nothing

Loved me the way I needed to be loved

Believed in me before I could learn to believe in myself

Cherished the world we lived in

You made me whole

Like the wind passing through

You passed through my life

Left me without saying goodbye

Left my life shattered because life had lost all meaning to me

My soul was yours

Your soul mine

Little dragonfly

Flutter your wings for me one last time

Tell me everything’s going to be ok one last time

Make me feel your love one last time

Little dragonfly

Help me to believe in me one last time

I still remember the smell of your skin

How your hair fell in your eyes and you’d brush it from your face

I remember feeling loved by you

And I loved you so

I remember our struggles with life

I guess I was stronger than you because I bided my time and escaped it all

I never took the cheap way out like you did

I believed life was worth fighting for

Like the wind passing through

You passed through my life

Left me without saying goodbye

Left my life shattered because life had lost all meaning to me

My soul was yours

Your soul mine

Little dragonfly

Flutter your wings for me one last time

Tell me everything’s going to be ok one last time

Make me feel your love one last time

Little dragonfly

Help me to believe in me one last time

I can’t keep on being a slave to every memory we had

I need to stop living in a past that has ended

I lost my seconds, minutes and hours

Days, months and years to a time and a place that has disappeared

I lost my way to a yesterday

I ask that you guide me and give me strength to pursue a tomorrow

A future that was meant for me

A present you knew you always saw in me

Help me to believe in me

Help me to become the woman you saw in me

Breathe life back into my soul

My little dragonfly

—————————————————————————————————

Letting go of a major heartbreak is difficult to do. I mourned a great man that I had walked away from for too long. One of the most amazing books I’ve ever read in my life was “Picture of Dorian Gray” by Oscar Wilde. I learned so much about the inner workings of the quest to find immortality and how the ego will destroy those who love you most…those who gave you immortality.

I once wrote a song about a friend. She said to me, “Wow, you’ve immortalized me in song.” I never quite thought of it that way, but I realized the power behind the pen can in fact make someone immortal. Over the years, I’ve been immortalized in song by those who loved me or witnessed the great tragedy that went into the breaking of my heart (and his).

In a way, I saw myself as Basel in Dorian Gray, the best friend that immortalized Dorian. With fame and fortune comes the evilness that can reside in the ego. Basel loved Dorian, and Dorian secretly loved Basel, but only saw Basel as a hindrance to his rise to immortality…rather than seeing that it was Basel that gave Dorian his immortality and without him he was nothing. Dorian’s destruction of Basel led to Dorian’s very own death.

Dorian Gray was the most prolific book I’ve ever read. It is the only book that invoked so much passion and understanding in my life that I actually wept after I finished reading it. I had come to a new intellectual and emotional plane after reading this work. It helped me to make the decision to leave a man I loved dearly before he completely destroyed me.

When The Moment Is Gone

By Michelle Kenneth

Time apart was all I had to give

The answer to this complicated situation

That has gone on for way too long

It’s given me strength to see the true colors of our circumstances

Made me weak to admit to my defeats

Gave me the willingness to end our moment

And not have any regrets

I don’t dwell on the what ifs

I know all there was to know

Choices lead us down different paths

You were meant to be on this road I traveled upon

But you decided to adventure away from your fate

Perhaps you were scared

Held back by the fictitious reality that was not meant for you

Yet it has always been your demon in the back of your mind

Your faith wasn’t strong enough to travel towards your fate

If only you believed in the man I saw in you

The one that wanted to break free

Instead of crushing it beneath the heel of a stiletto shoe

You would be free

I heard your prayer that first night we met

Why else would I have entered into your life

You believed at one time

You believed, you had faith

Now, when I look at you

All I see are the broken remnants of the man you were to me

A picture perfect masterpiece destroyed in the reality of Dorian Gray

To those who loved you

You left them shattered

I see that now

No pictures, no artistic view

One lost soul with no direct path

I loved that soul once

Before I let it go to travel away from me

Those are the choices we make

When the Moment Is Gone.